The other night I decided to go out after a long day. The demands of graduate school, running an organization along with an internship can sometimes be stressful. I had a productive yet busy day and said to myself “hey, why not go out for a few.” The weather where I live has been an adventure to say the least. Feeling a portion of warmth makes me with the other million or more people want to jump for joy and take advantage of every single minute of non below zero temperatures.
I went to a local club that I have supported for years. It is a “Cheers” like environment where everyone knows your name. I know a bar staff member well. In the past, I go in after work or a long day of meetings & conference calls to drink excessively (three or more drinks). It was a way to release after a hectic day and socialize with friends or associates that I met over the years. I find as the night progressed, the thoughts of sexuality inpurity would heighten as my social inhibition lowered due to the increased alcohol content.
Most instances the thoughts were just that, thoughts with no action occurring. However, in the past year and half, due to a stressful job combined with leading a large non-profit, managing a relationship and my self, the thoughts manifested to sexual activity. I engage with individuals that I met at the lounge or through an online site. The more stressed I became, the worst the actions grew. Spending excess money, irractic sleeping patterns and gaining weight resulted from non healthy ways of coping.
I was not open with my ex girlfriend about my inner struggles due to my pride but also not wanting to place any unnecessary stress given her work and life responsibilities. Getting back to this week, I found myself back in a similar position. I moderated the amount of beers and when I would drink. However, the same sexual thoughts came to me and the urge to act upon them.
I feel bad that I acted upon them and called a woman that I have known for some time. She came over but nothing ultimately happened sexually. It is a small victory but important lesson I learned. I identified one of the causes, alcohol intake, that triggers these emotions when stressed. I spoke to my prayer partner and told him that I was seeking counseling. He said he was proud that I made the decision.
I have been praying for a while for this struggle to end. It has not yet but still remaining faithful because no matter what it looks like, this too shall pass. I continue to deal with this battle but it will not have a hold on me forever.
freedom1981 