Not Looking Back

The journey of freedom from this long standing addiction is a slow yet steady one. I am making progress, even if it is just one step. Many times, people believe that changes occurs instantaneously and do not want to take the steps for the real transformation to take place.  At my age, I am tired of taking two steps forward then going three steps back because of a mental state that I have unfortunately adopted over these years.

I go back to my teenage years. It was after the discovery of the first Penthouse the emotional triggers began to flare up more and more. First it was the magazine that turned into finding a scrambled cable channel with porn.  13 at the time, I was in a process of self discovery and I did not know being inadvertently exposed to these images would open the door to other behaviors. I compare it to a person that begins to use illegal drugs like marijuana for the first time.

The person uses the drug believing there is no harm. The marijuana becomes a gateway to other activities that they could not imagine would occur after the first try. This is how I felt after viewing the first magazine. My father passed at a young age, my mother did not re-marry so I did not have a male role model at home. Additionally, I am an only child and thus, I would be at home playing video games, outside playing sports or coming up with activities to occupy my time.

I discovered during these years more of “myself” that escalated to constant masturbation and increased sexual urges. I was shy and did not approach girls until high school. During the time, I turned to porn and other images as a way of escape since I would not have to put myself out there to potentially be rejected. The virtual woman on the magazine or videos could be accessed at any point of time.

Fast forward, I understand today how this lust has manifested itself in my relationships. I will write about my relationships later but do know that the process of self reflection is helping to truly get down to some of the deep rooted issues I have for a long time and the courage to address them now.

How it all Began

I have decided to seek counseling. This is after a failed relationship where my ex-girlfriend, concerned about my well-being, asked if I see a professional counselor to deal with this addiction. Truth be told, how I got here to seek support started at a young age

I come from a middle class background and grew up in a two parent household until seven years old. Years ago, my father experienced a sudden heart attack and passed away unexpectedly on a winter night. It really shook my mother and I. I remember nights when I could hear my mom cry or we had moments when we cried together. Like many people, I grew up faster than I anticipated. Spring forward, it was a day during fifth grade that I came home to find a Penthouse magazine under my mother’s bed.

I recall an attractive young woman on the cover with perfect skin and body complexion. Curious, I opened the magazine to see visuals of naked women page by page. The visuals for a naive young man peeked my curiosity and I felt compelled to share with my friends. I brought the magazine to school to show my friends so that I could be seen as “cool.”

I was and always been a “geek,” People in my fifth grade class knew me as the kid that was laid back, a bit quite but they accepted me. I had a click of friends and I thought sharing the Penthouse would make me even cooler in their eyes. I showed them the book and they had a similar reaction of me. So, it was that day that started the path to where I am today.

The one day of the visual led to further curiosity. I had cable TV and I found a scrambled channel. I could hear adult noises of physical activity. I saw the same nude bodies as I did in Penthouse but now it was a man and woman having sex. The image, even scrambled, further peaked my interest. It is this initial experience that led to other behaviors I grew to normalize as I went through my teenage years.