Not Looking Back

The journey of freedom from this long standing addiction is a slow yet steady one. I am making progress, even if it is just one step. Many times, people believe that changes occurs instantaneously and do not want to take the steps for the real transformation to take place.  At my age, I am tired of taking two steps forward then going three steps back because of a mental state that I have unfortunately adopted over these years.

I go back to my teenage years. It was after the discovery of the first Penthouse the emotional triggers began to flare up more and more. First it was the magazine that turned into finding a scrambled cable channel with porn.  13 at the time, I was in a process of self discovery and I did not know being inadvertently exposed to these images would open the door to other behaviors. I compare it to a person that begins to use illegal drugs like marijuana for the first time.

The person uses the drug believing there is no harm. The marijuana becomes a gateway to other activities that they could not imagine would occur after the first try. This is how I felt after viewing the first magazine. My father passed at a young age, my mother did not re-marry so I did not have a male role model at home. Additionally, I am an only child and thus, I would be at home playing video games, outside playing sports or coming up with activities to occupy my time.

I discovered during these years more of “myself” that escalated to constant masturbation and increased sexual urges. I was shy and did not approach girls until high school. During the time, I turned to porn and other images as a way of escape since I would not have to put myself out there to potentially be rejected. The virtual woman on the magazine or videos could be accessed at any point of time.

Fast forward, I understand today how this lust has manifested itself in my relationships. I will write about my relationships later but do know that the process of self reflection is helping to truly get down to some of the deep rooted issues I have for a long time and the courage to address them now.


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